it has been eons since i last wrote a blogpost.
today i'm gonna talk about guys.
to be specific, the qualities/behaviour i want in MY guy.

I want my guy who is:-

1. Don't mind driving me all the time. This is a MUST as i uber HATE driving. So, he better not be drunk as i wouldn't want a drunkard fumbling blindly on the road with ME in the car!

2. NOT a smoker. If u wanna marry me, please remember to quit that bad habit cuz i wouldn't wanna risk getting cancer from the 2nd-hand smoke!

3. Loyal. If u fucking like to flirt around, please keep away from me. I hate having 3rd parties popped out in my relationship, 3rd parties are SO NOT welcome into my relationship, cuz i'll make sure her life sucks all the way till she die and burn in HELL!

4. Loving and caring. Love me with ALL your heart, as i will love you with all my heart too. This i can promise!

5. Loves to talk as much as me! I just LOVE talking, so if u're those quiet type who don't express your mind, please cancel me off your list as i hate having a bf who doesn't give a damn what i'm speaking and who doesn't try starting a conversation with me. I don't want to be talking to a tree trunk like i'm an idiot.

6. Not abusive. I hate guys who hit girls. So if u like torturing your gal, please fuck off! I don't need some stupid guy who thinks he can bully a girl cuz she's weaker.

7. NOT a drinker. I don't mind having him taking some drinks during the weekend. Once a while is alright with me. Don't do it everyday as it is a waste of money and it will give him a beer belly which is fugly. I don't want to have to clean up his disgusting vomit all the time.

8. Able to accompany me shopping without complaining. I don't do it everyday, so it won't be a burden for him. I don't expect him to pay unless he offers to do so. Purchasing things once in a while for me makes me VERY HAPPY indeed!

9. ABLE to accept my friends as how i will accept his. Unless his friends are just some shitass-sonofabitch.

10. MUST accompany me at least 3 days in a week. I don't mind if it is just me and him watching some crap movies at mine or his place, as long as we are spending time together. DON'T assume that bringing me out with your friends and you hanging out with them but ignoring me as accompanying me. This is just a stupid LAME excuse!

11. Doesn't have to be freaking rich. I don't mind if he doesn't have loads of money to spend on me, i don't need presents everytime. Getting me meaningful gifts for my birthday and our anniversary suffice!

12. Not a freako who has to stare at girls cuz she has big boobs or is freaking beautiful. I don't mind you stealing one glance, as it is normal for human beings to do so. But staring is just fucking rude and it pisses me off. Don't tell ur friends to look at her cuz she has big boobs, so what if i have small boobs? Why choose me in the first place if u keep complaining about my body? Loser!

13. Not a guy who gets pisses off at the smallest thing. I totally HATE a guy who likes scolding and giving me the cold shoulder almost ALL the time. Wtf. Can't u just care more for a girl's feeling? What the heck do u think we girls are? Guys are suppose to be the ones who coaxes a girl, we don't mind cajoling u guys once in a while but NOT all the time!

14. Doesn't mind doing things for me. Not that i want him to do everything for me, but sometimes doing some little things for me without complaining is it so hard? I hate it when i do things for him but having him to lift a finger for me is just so freaking hard. What the hell is his problem?!!

That's about some of the things i could think of of what i want in my guy. Will continue adding if there's any i could think off.
Till then. TADA~

i just don't understand why would i be with someone who doesn't seem to appreciate me?
he has problems or any difficulties, i tried being there for him even though i have loads of problems myself.
i don't see any contribution of any sorts from him.
i'm having major examinations at the moment but i'm still trying so hard to accommodate him.
why can't he do the same for me?
he seems to be enjoying life while i'm slaving it out.
is it so hard for him to just accompany me one day when i'm freaking accompanying him the whole time?
why do i have to contribute to something that doesn't seem to benefit me?
i'm just so freaking retarded.
yes. i'm such a sicko.
i'm a stupid, soft-hearted girl.
i should just be really bad and do things that is so not me.
why be like a lamb and get eaten up by the wolf instead?
i could be the fox and fight the wolf.
now, all i can do is just focus on my study.
but, i'm so afraid of failure.
can i do it?
it seems like i couldn't understand what i read.
i don't aim for any As or Bs.
i just want to get a pass/credit.
i'm tired of everything.
i put all burdens on myself and cried silently inside.
i can speak to no one.
i can't find anyone suitable to speak to at the moment.
it is not that i don't have any good friends.
it is just that i don't think i should tell any of this to them.
firstly, it is hard to explain.
secondly, i don't have much energy to complain.
thirdly, i think i shall just keep them to myself.
is it so difficult to be happy?
i think i'm happier during my single life.
but to be single now, is not easy anymore.
cuz i've put too much hope and had loved too much to let it go.
i'm retarded, that's all i can say.

i knew it isn't easy to let go.
what has happened has happened.
history couldn't be undone.
pain is inflicted.
a deep gash could be seen.
it hurts.
simple things scares me.
leehom. just a mention of him makes me sad.
it reminds me of that.
i was lucky the playlist didn't shuffle over to any of his songs.
but i couldn't hide, the name reminds me of something that hurts.
i always wanted to be the first person to bring him to a concert.
she had to just snatched this chance away.
gone.
i know it isn't good to delve into past issues.
i just couldn't help it.
the more i run, the more i hide, it just keeps haunting me.
i know time could heal.
but how long?
the first time such a thing happen, it didn't hurt as much probably because love wasn't that deep then.
the second time, it hit me like huge boulder.
i really broke into pieces.
it was so pain, i could just slump down and let people trample on me.
i felt i couldn't stand up.
i wasn't me since that day.
alcohol is a good numbing tool.
i gulped down a record number that i couldn't believe that i could drink that much.
he came back.
but, the issues were never solved.
it was back to square one.
i was stunned.
what?
i thought he love me.
i thought we were so in love.
i couldn't believe something like this could happen.
it was way beyond what possibilities i had in mind.
that was never a possibility.
i couldn't accept it. NO.
but it was the fact.
the whole period, i wasn't myself.
i'm a different person.
it is a good thing, at the same time bad.
i know it.
why do i have to encounter such a thing when i already have so many problems at hand?
i'm always pissed off at small little things.
i'm angry at myself.
why would i allow myself to be like this?
this isn't me.
how could i be like this?
couldn't i just show some respect?
i tried changing, but it just have to happen again and again.
why are we human beings so 犯賤?
why do we have to step onto the same shit again?
we know it stinks, but we just had to step into it to make sure.
and then after that, we regretted.
but sadly, we never bother to change.
until tragedy happens.
and everything is too late.
no more turning back.
whatever you do, no matter how hard u cry, the time wouldn't turn back.
it's too late.
you were in a state of denial.
u couldn't believe what had just happened.
and then, u got pissed.
u got really mad.
u vowed to stand up.
but, it was so hard.
there's an invisible wall.
that u kept banging into.
and when everything is finally settled.
or so u thought, u started feeling really afraid.
afraid of the previous pain.
afraid that history would repeat itself again.
afraid that this time, u might not take it again.
if ever the same thing happens, either u make it, or u die.
two possibilities, now, it's your choice to choose.
you know u have the power to choose now.
this is the best time, pick it up or leave it.
u wonder why it is so hard to make a decision.
if u chose to pick it up, the pain kept coming back.
u thought u had thrown it away.
but actually, it was still hiding deep inside your heart.
u didn't throw it away, but rather, u only hide it away.
and now, it makes u feel really worst.
then, u start thinking, should i give a chance?
it's a 50-50 gamble now.
either u win, or u lose.
and then u give a cold laugh, it was actually a game afterall.
a game that dealt u hard.
u're the player, the game has started.
there's no backing out now.
all you could do is, bring out your very best.
tell yourself. i'm a WINNER!