i just don't understand why would i be with someone who doesn't seem to appreciate me? he has problems or any difficulties, i tried being there for him even though i have loads of problems myself. i don't see any contribution of any sorts from him. i'm having major examinations at the moment but i'm still trying so hard to accommodate him. why can't he do the same for me? he seems to be enjoying life while i'm slaving it out. is it so hard for him to just accompany me one day when i'm freaking accompanying him the whole time? why do i have to contribute to something that doesn't seem to benefit me? i'm just so freaking retarded. yes. i'm such a sicko. i'm a stupid, soft-hearted girl. i should just be really bad and do things that is so not me. why be like a lamb and get eaten up by the wolf instead? i could be the fox and fight the wolf. now, all i can do is just focus on my study. but, i'm so afraid of failure. can i do it? it seems like i couldn't understand what i read. i don't aim for any As or Bs. i just want to get a pass/credit. i'm tired of everything. i put all burdens on myself and cried silently inside. i can speak to no one. i can't find anyone suitable to speak to at the moment. it is not that i don't have any good friends. it is just that i don't think i should tell any of this to them. firstly, it is hard to explain. secondly, i don't have much energy to complain. thirdly, i think i shall just keep them to myself. is it so difficult to be happy? i think i'm happier during my single life. but to be single now, is not easy anymore. cuz i've put too much hope and had loved too much to let it go. i'm retarded, that's all i can say.
i'm extremely sick and tired of everything. whatever i did, i did not even get a wee bit of appreciation. i have my own loads of problems, but i keep them to myself. but you? i tried helping you in all ways. trying so hard to help solve your problems. even taking the blame for myself. which consequently created more problems for myself. but what had kind of response you have gave me?
i forgave you after you betrayed me. i tried accepting you back. even tho it is so hard to forget the past. how painful the past had been. can't you just try boost up my confidence in you? do something to make me feel proud of my choice. do something that will not make me regret my decision.
i know you have your own load of problems. but do you know i have mine as well? just that i didn't tell out to the world? i have my major final examinations going on. during my study leave, i forgone my studies just to accompany you, just to make you happy. i don't mind going out late as long as you enjoy your outings with your friends. but sometimes, i do feel exhausted and i hope that you could see that i'm tired. please consider that i have feelings too. i have early classes the next day, and i'd accompany you out til late the day before. i only slept a few hours before i had to wake up for class. after class i have to study for my exams, and at the same time, trying to make you happy, trying to not lower your mood. i tried to give you more freedom. however, i really hope that, you could do something that surprises me. like accompanying me study, or something of that sort. and not just leave me alone and then you going out and have fun, while i fight drowsiness trying to concentrate on my studies.
money problems. i used up my allowance within a week's time. and had to used up some money that i'm not supposed to touch. i didn't mind if you had shown some appreciation. but you just had to act like you didn't care or that i needn't have help you in any of your money problems. that you could just ask from your family or whatsoever. the reason i tried helping you is that i don't want you bothering others. since i have extra funds and i'm not in any way having to use it any soon, i don't mind lending it to you first. so please, all i need is some care and appreciation, that's all.
family problems. you are like a part of me, a family member to me. someone i truly love with all my heart. on the other hand, my parents are my family. they are both people i love but i hate myself for hurting them. i do stupid things that made them sad. all because i have to care for you and also my parents. like the chinese saying that goes: both flesh and blood on both sides of my hand. you and my parents are the flesh and blood on my hands. whichever part i hurt, whether it is the back of my hand or my palm, i felt pain. i have to care for both parties feelings. i'm like someone stuck in the middle. and i felt so depressed. for i really don't know what i should do. what is the best way to satisfy both sides.
maybe i'm too sensitive. i don't know. i know i'm someone who like to think too much. i always like to make things complicated, i think. some things i should just put it down, forget about it and move on. but the stupid me have to go ponder about the past. to dig things out that is better to be hidden underground. i just like to inflict pain upon myself. why am i so crazy? can't i just move on and forget? why do i have to put more burden on me? this is a mystery that can never be solved. for now, i just want to get over my exams with. i don't aim for any 1st class or 2nd class honours. i just hope that i could pass through all my exams. that is just a simple wish i had for now.
i knew it isn't easy to let go. what has happened has happened. history couldn't be undone. pain is inflicted. a deep gash could be seen. it hurts. simple things scares me. leehom. just a mention of him makes me sad. it reminds me of that. i was lucky the playlist didn't shuffle over to any of his songs. but i couldn't hide, the name reminds me of something that hurts. i always wanted to be the first person to bring him to a concert. she had to just snatched this chance away. gone. i know it isn't good to delve into past issues. i just couldn't help it. the more i run, the more i hide, it just keeps haunting me. i know time could heal. but how long? the first time such a thing happen, it didn't hurt as much probably because love wasn't that deep then. the second time, it hit me like huge boulder. i really broke into pieces. it was so pain, i could just slump down and let people trample on me. i felt i couldn't stand up. i wasn't me since that day. alcohol is a good numbing tool. i gulped down a record number that i couldn't believe that i could drink that much. he came back. but, the issues were never solved. it was back to square one. i was stunned. what? i thought he love me. i thought we were so in love. i couldn't believe something like this could happen. it was way beyond what possibilities i had in mind. that was never a possibility. i couldn't accept it. NO. but it was the fact. the whole period, i wasn't myself. i'm a different person. it is a good thing, at the same time bad. i know it. why do i have to encounter such a thing when i already have so many problems at hand? i'm always pissed off at small little things. i'm angry at myself. why would i allow myself to be like this? this isn't me. how could i be like this? couldn't i just show some respect? i tried changing, but it just have to happen again and again. why are we human beings so 犯賤? why do we have to step onto the same shit again? we know it stinks, but we just had to step into it to make sure. and then after that, we regretted. but sadly, we never bother to change. until tragedy happens. and everything is too late. no more turning back. whatever you do, no matter how hard u cry, the time wouldn't turn back. it's too late. you were in a state of denial. u couldn't believe what had just happened. and then, u got pissed. u got really mad. u vowed to stand up. but, it was so hard. there's an invisible wall. that u kept banging into. and when everything is finally settled. or so u thought, u started feeling really afraid. afraid of the previous pain. afraid that history would repeat itself again. afraid that this time, u might not take it again. if ever the same thing happens, either u make it, or u die. two possibilities, now, it's your choice to choose. you know u have the power to choose now. this is the best time, pick it up or leave it. u wonder why it is so hard to make a decision. if u chose to pick it up, the pain kept coming back. u thought u had thrown it away. but actually, it was still hiding deep inside your heart. u didn't throw it away, but rather, u only hide it away. and now, it makes u feel really worst. then, u start thinking, should i give a chance? it's a 50-50 gamble now. either u win, or u lose. and then u give a cold laugh, it was actually a game afterall. a game that dealt u hard. u're the player, the game has started. there's no backing out now. all you could do is, bring out your very best. tell yourself. i'm a WINNER!
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