Tuesday, 12 May 2009

• i knew it isn't easy to let go.
  what has happened has happened.
  history couldn't be undone.
  pain is inflicted.
  a deep gash could be seen.
  it hurts.
  simple things scares me.
  leehom. just a mention of him makes me sad.
  it reminds me of that.
  i was lucky the playlist didn't shuffle over to any of his songs.
  but i couldn't hide, the name reminds me of something that hurts.
  i always wanted to be the first person to bring him to a concert.
  she had to just snatched this chance away.
  gone.
  i know it isn't good to delve into past issues.
  i just couldn't help it.
  the more i run, the more i hide, it just keeps haunting me.
  i know time could heal.
  but how long?
  the first time such a thing happen, it didn't hurt as much probably because love wasn't that deep then.
  the second time, it hit me like huge boulder.
  i really broke into pieces.
  it was so pain, i could just slump down and let people trample on me.
  i felt i couldn't stand up.
  i wasn't me since that day.
  alcohol is a good numbing tool.
  i gulped down a record number that i couldn't believe that i could drink that much.
  he came back.
  but, the issues were never solved.
  it was back to square one.
  i was stunned.
  what?
  i thought he love me.
  i thought we were so in love.
  i couldn't believe something like this could happen.
  it was way beyond what possibilities i had in mind.
  that was never a possibility.
  i couldn't accept it. NO.
  but it was the fact.
  the whole period, i wasn't myself.
  i'm a different person.
  it is a good thing, at the same time bad.
  i know it.
  why do i have to encounter such a thing when i already have so many problems at hand?
  i'm always pissed off at small little things.
  i'm angry at myself.
  why would i allow myself to be like this?
  this isn't me.
  how could i be like this?
  couldn't i just show some respect?
  i tried changing, but it just have to happen again and again.
  why are we human beings so 犯賤?
  why do we have to step onto the same shit again?
  we know it stinks, but we just had to step into it to make sure.
  and then after that, we regretted.
  but sadly, we never bother to change.
  until tragedy happens.
  and everything is too late.
  no more turning back.
  whatever you do, no matter how hard u cry, the time wouldn't turn back.
  it's too late.
  you were in a state of denial.
  u couldn't believe what had just happened.
  and then, u got pissed.
  u got really mad.
  u vowed to stand up.
  but, it was so hard.
  there's an invisible wall.
  that u kept banging into.
  and when everything is finally settled.
  or so u thought, u started feeling really afraid.
  afraid of the previous pain.
  afraid that history would repeat itself again.
  afraid that this time, u might not take it again.
  if ever the same thing happens, either u make it, or u die.
  two possibilities, now, it's your choice to choose.
  you know u have the power to choose now.
  this is the best time, pick it up or leave it.
  u wonder why it is so hard to make a decision.
  if u chose to pick it up, the pain kept coming back.
  u thought u had thrown it away.
  but actually, it was still hiding deep inside your heart.
  u didn't throw it away, but rather, u only hide it away.
  and now, it makes u feel really worst.
  then, u start thinking, should i give a chance?
  it's a 50-50 gamble now.
  either u win, or u lose.
  and then u give a cold laugh, it was actually a game afterall.
  a game that dealt u hard.
  u're the player, the game has started.
  there's no backing out now.
  all you could do is, bring out your very best.
  tell yourself. i'm a WINNER!
  

  • 3:45 AM
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