i'm extremely sick and tired of everything. whatever i did, i did not even get a wee bit of appreciation. i have my own loads of problems, but i keep them to myself. but you? i tried helping you in all ways. trying so hard to help solve your problems. even taking the blame for myself. which consequently created more problems for myself. but what had kind of response you have gave me?
i forgave you after you betrayed me. i tried accepting you back. even tho it is so hard to forget the past. how painful the past had been. can't you just try boost up my confidence in you? do something to make me feel proud of my choice. do something that will not make me regret my decision.
i know you have your own load of problems. but do you know i have mine as well? just that i didn't tell out to the world? i have my major final examinations going on. during my study leave, i forgone my studies just to accompany you, just to make you happy. i don't mind going out late as long as you enjoy your outings with your friends. but sometimes, i do feel exhausted and i hope that you could see that i'm tired. please consider that i have feelings too. i have early classes the next day, and i'd accompany you out til late the day before. i only slept a few hours before i had to wake up for class. after class i have to study for my exams, and at the same time, trying to make you happy, trying to not lower your mood. i tried to give you more freedom. however, i really hope that, you could do something that surprises me. like accompanying me study, or something of that sort. and not just leave me alone and then you going out and have fun, while i fight drowsiness trying to concentrate on my studies.
money problems. i used up my allowance within a week's time. and had to used up some money that i'm not supposed to touch. i didn't mind if you had shown some appreciation. but you just had to act like you didn't care or that i needn't have help you in any of your money problems. that you could just ask from your family or whatsoever. the reason i tried helping you is that i don't want you bothering others. since i have extra funds and i'm not in any way having to use it any soon, i don't mind lending it to you first. so please, all i need is some care and appreciation, that's all.
family problems. you are like a part of me, a family member to me. someone i truly love with all my heart. on the other hand, my parents are my family. they are both people i love but i hate myself for hurting them. i do stupid things that made them sad. all because i have to care for you and also my parents. like the chinese saying that goes: both flesh and blood on both sides of my hand. you and my parents are the flesh and blood on my hands. whichever part i hurt, whether it is the back of my hand or my palm, i felt pain. i have to care for both parties feelings. i'm like someone stuck in the middle. and i felt so depressed. for i really don't know what i should do. what is the best way to satisfy both sides.
maybe i'm too sensitive. i don't know. i know i'm someone who like to think too much. i always like to make things complicated, i think. some things i should just put it down, forget about it and move on. but the stupid me have to go ponder about the past. to dig things out that is better to be hidden underground. i just like to inflict pain upon myself. why am i so crazy? can't i just move on and forget? why do i have to put more burden on me? this is a mystery that can never be solved. for now, i just want to get over my exams with. i don't aim for any 1st class or 2nd class honours. i just hope that i could pass through all my exams. that is just a simple wish i had for now.
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